The Heart of the Matter

Good morning, Dear Reader. Welp. We certainly went from 0 to 60 in the weather department here in the Ozarks. Or, more accurately, from 70 to 100. It’s hot AF here. And I do not like it. I think I might have been a penguin in a past life. Or a polar bear. Or something that would melt in weather like this because I’m evaporating over here.

Anywho. The full moon in the fiery sign of Sagitarrius is upon us; this one is about letting go of the past. You can read all about it here in a post from my fellow blogger “Cosmic Cannibial.” While I do buy into most of this stuff, I think everyone is still responsible for their behavior regarding moving on and healing. I used to tell my students in massage therapy school that I do believe in the Law of Attraction, but you can’t simply sit in a lotus position and OMMMM your way into a successful practice. You must still do the work. And it is the same when it comes to healing and moving on.

You gotta put in the work. You. I get it; I am no stranger to getting knocked on my ass by circumstances beyond my control, but I also know I’m responsible for allowing these things to pass through me like a storm. Some storms are more significant than others. A thunderstorm is vastly different than a tornado. And rebuilding looks different for everyone – wind damage versus complete destruction (I sure do loves me sum good ol’ metaphors, don’t I?). But, no matter the size of the storm, moving on requires five common things (I’m sure there are more, but five is where we find ourselves today). So.

Grab a drink. Settle in. Let’s go deep, shall we?

1) You have no ‘right’ to closure. In other words, you will not receive closure in every situation, but you can create it. I know, I know. I’m a digger – I want to get to the bottom of why something went wrong. But the tenacity that serves me well at work isn’t always healthy when it comes to letting go in my personal life. Trust me…I know that wanting closure can become kind of an obsession. But you wanna know what mantra helps me let go? Ready? Fuck it. Yep. At some point, you just gotta wave your hand and say “Fuck it” and accept that you ain’t gonna get closure from someone else. Ever.

2) It isn’t always about you. In fact, most of the time, it never is about you. Most of what other people do is about them, and you are simply collateral damage. The author of “The Four Agreements” puts it another way: Don’t take anything personally. So, repeat after me: Not my circus. Not my monkey. Or, for more of a dramatic flair: Fuck it.

3) Accept the unexplained. This one goes hand in hand with the first two, but I am feeling this one strongly this week. Like a spoiled two-year-old, I’ve been watching the news and going through past pictures, saying, “Why? Why?!?” Why did my brother die at 27 with a six-month-old child left on the planet? Why did someone as good and pure as my friend, Bill, pass away when asshats like (fill in the blank with your least favorite person) continue to walk the planet? Why do some people snap and walk into a school, leaving 19 young fatalities in their wake? Some things cannot be explained. It is okay to feel the pain of these things. Feel it, process it, and then…get to the point where you can accept that an explanation will likely never happen. As much as that really sucks.

4) Apologies are rare. In fact, most people don’t know how to apologize, so they just don’t do it. A good apology looks like this, but most people don’t do it correctly. They say something like “I’m sorry you were hurt by that comment” instead of “I’m sorry I hurt you”. It seems silly – the words are not much different, but if you see them, you can quickly notice slight difference. One infers that YOU are the one who took something wrong when the latter implies that THEY did something wrong. Some people can’t accept that they are wrong. When my son apologizes, I make him dig deep to accept responsibility for his infraction. He’ll say “I’m sorry” and I’ll ask him “What for, exactly? What are you sorry for?” to teach him to name his action (“I’m sorry for yelling” or “I’m sorry I lied to you”). I’m working really hard to do the same.

5) People change themselves. No matter how much you think they need to change, you are not in control of this. SURPRISE! And…you know who you are. You believe that buying more vegetables, will ‘help’ the other people in your house stop eating so many oatmeal cookies. You think that by signing yourself and your partner up for a 5K that this is the year you will BOTH lose weight. Nope. Ain’t happening. (And by ‘you’, I totally mean ‘me’). To put this another way: People don’t change until the pain of staying the same exceeds the pain of changing. You can tell your spouse that eating too much butter leads to heart disease all you want. She probably won’t care until she has a heart attack shoveling snow. And even then, she still might not care. Ready for the tough love? Not your circus, Friend. Not your circus.

I leave you with this song because I think moving on really comes down to one key thing: Forgiveness. I’m getting to the point where I actually like talking to my ex. I joke with co-workers who stabbed me in the back. I’ve forgiven myself for so many things. I wrote a post about a year ago about that very topic, and honestly, at that point, I don’t think I was really buying into what I was writing. Fake it ’til you make it, right? But at the heart of the matter, it comes down to your choice. The only person who can decide to move on is you.

So what about you, Dear Reader? Have you been waiting for an apology that will most likely never come? If so, drop it like it’s hot and move on. Have you been carrying that anger? Don’t. Move on. Are you expecting an explanation? You will probably won’t get it. Move on. Are you waiting for closure? Yep…you guessed it…move on. Write your pains down on a piece of paper tonight under the full moon, light a match and burn all those written infractions down. Then, take a sip of whatever it is your drinkin’, and whisper, “Fuck it”.

If you think this post might help someone, feel free to share on all the socials. I’m cool with that. And you might warn them about the language. Despite my potty mouth, I recently moved over the 14K views point on this blog (in less than a year, so, ‘yay’!), and I owe it all to you. I certainly don’t do much to promote it 🙂 To me, it’s nothing more than a creepy online diary. But I’m glad you like it, Dear Reader. I really do.