Four Annoying Phrases To Use When You Finally Give Up

Good morning, Dear Reader. As has been my MO lately, I’m late in posting. I try to have something delivered to you by Friday mornings, but here’s the nugget I cling to: It’s Friday morning somewhere. That’s the silver lining.

The weather has indeed turned here in the Ozarks. At least for a few days. It’s a comfy 33-degree, mostly cloudy day. You know…my favorite. 

But today is a bit different. Usually, I find a nice little nook and read or knit when it gets this chilly, but I’m feeling a bit blah. I don’t usually feel a bit blah on days like this. I’m convinced my soul arrived on Earth somewhere north, like Seattle or Norway. I just like gloomy days, most of the time. But this last week – even when it was in the seventies – felt weird. I even saged my house because there was a ‘funk’ I couldn’t shake, and I hardly ever do that. I wonder if the act did anything more than make my son complain about the smell. The saving grace of the week was the full moon lunar eclipse. The week was both magical and intense.

I’ve always been a bit transparent in these posts – at least transparent enough for you to ask yourself, “Did she just say that? Is this for real?” Honestly? Most of my writing is rooted in non-fiction, but some posts are just for kicks. For example, (confession time), I honestly don’t think I’ve ever seriously told anyone – to their face – to go fuck themselves. Although, admittedly, on many occasions – sometimes daily – I have muttered it under my breath. I talk a big game, though, right? Anyway. Fooled you.

Here’s what I regularly say, despite how much some of you may hate some of these. Ready?

Well…grab that drink. Settle in. Let’s dive into my favorite colloquialisms today.

1) It is what it is. At least one of you just shuddered at that. Yes, this one is a bit overused in the Universe, but here’s what I think about that particular phrase. First, if a person is using it as a placeholder to excuse bad behavior, that’s not the point. I use it – and so do many of us – when we’ve finally reached a conclusion about something and have leaned into accepting something we have no control over. For example, today is my father’s birthday. I’d love to buy him a lemon bundt cake from Supreme Bakery like I always did and celebrate with him. But I can’t. Why? Because he’s dead. It is what it is.

2) Fuck it. This short little phase is the saltier, more ghetto version of “It is what it is.” I embraced this phrase last Tuesday under the full moon while writing my list of things to release. I was thinking about a never-ending battle I have with a certain someone and how I’ve spent nearly six years trying to control the situation and the person. At some point during the week, I realized this situation was never-fucking-ever going to change, and under the super big full moon…I finally accepted it. Then, I wrote a brief little statement about it, lit a match, dropped it into a bucket, and whispered, “I release this”. I watched it burn to ash, stood up, and said (not whispering) “Fuck it, ” which will now be my theme for 2023. It may be flawed logic, but here’s my favorite scene from Yellowstone and how Fuck It plays out appropriately.

3) Not my problem. This one takes on a few different forms depending on how much I’ve had to drink. I’ve used “Not my cross to bear”, “Can’t blame a clown for acting like a clown,” or “A snake will never be a bunny rabbit, so stop petting it”. However, my favorite and most quoted to-date version of ‘Not my problem is: “Not my circus, not my monkey”. While those all sound a bit different, the true meaning of each of those is: This is not my issue.

4) You do you, Boo. This one is relatively new on the vernacular scene, but I’ve been using it a lot lately. It started as a replacement for “Whatever” when I couldn’t understand why a person was behaving in a manner I believed odd or batshit crazy. I ain’t gonna lie. This one has been hard to embrace as a mantra. I’m a professional problem-solver by day, and systematically controlling a project while coming in within budget and under the deadline does not lend itself to ‘willy-nilly’ behavior. But here are a few revelations: People aren’t projects, and not everyone thinks or behaves like I do. I know, right? Shocker. But, one more thing about “You do you, Boo” I feel begs to be explained is that the phrase reassures the other person that you aren’t judging them. “Whatever” (most likely accompanied by an eye-roll) can be a bit snarky with a side of self-righteousness, don’t you agree? Additionally, saying “You do you, Boo” also helps me remember that I don’t need to fix anyone or control them or even understand them to love them.

You can buy that print here from sdesignsprints on Etsy

As we end today’s post together, Dear Reader, I’m going to leave you with one of my favorite songs by Ashley McBryde. Saying that Ashley McBryde is a badass is an understatement. She’s voluptuous, brave, tenacious, talented, and just a downright good human. (Yes. It’s true. I may have a girl crush.) Anyway, as I interpret it, this song is all of my well-worn phrases wrapped up in one little package. So, sing along tonight with your drink raised and make the best of the worst day. 

PS…Speaking of worst days and raising a glass: It’s eggnog season, and I think it’s important to mention that a shot of Skrewball PB whiskey over ice topped with a splash of eggnog is perfect for a night like tonight. You’re welcome.

Oh, and please share this post with all your peeps on all your social thingamajigs. 

Three Simple Ways To Reframe Life

Good evening, Dear Reader! It was a beautiful day to snuggle under the covers with a good book, but I had to work. I plan to indulge this weekend, but until then, I just wanted to chat with you. 

On Wednesday before bed, my son asked me if I’d get something from his backpack ‘that was really cool’. So I grabbed his bag, and inside I found a mid-sized squishy ball. (My son is autistic, and he likes squishy things). I thought, “That is a cool ball. Wonder where he got that?”. So I asked him how he became the purveyor of such a remarkable object. He devised an elaborate story centered on wheelin’ and dealin’. He ended his narrative by asking for $2 to pay the previous owner. While I was impressed by his creativity (he’s quite the storyteller, that one), something in my gut whispered, “Lies! Lies! It’s all a bunch of lies!”

I looked at him through narrowed eyes and said…

“I’m going to ask you again where you got this ball, and if you lie to me, you will be in more trouble than if you tell me the truth.”

His eyes widened. He looked down, and his lower lip quivered. Then he looked me dead in the eye.

“I took it.”

“Took it from whom?” I calmly asked.

“From the gym teacher.”

I looked at my little thief and said, “Thank you for telling me the truth. Enjoy that ball tonight because tomorrow you’ll return it.” I kissed him on the forehead and left the room. I then located his PE teacher on Facebook and messaged him to let him know that we needed to meet with him in the morning. I didn’t mention why. 

Long story short: My son returned the ball. He apologized. The coach explained why things should not be taken from the school. He even offered to let my kid borrow the ball, informing him that it needed to be arranged in advance because other kids needed it for gym class. 

No one yelled at him. I had given prior directions on the proper way to apologize. His PE teacher informed him of the expectations for borrowing the ball. There are consequences to match the infraction. I think all of this is appropriate. I mean, the kid already felt terrible. Why shame him?

This brings me to today’s post. As adults, we constantly rehash our past mistakes and try hard to be better adults by obsessing over what we do wrong. We, essentially, shame ourselves every single day. Here’s an idea: How about we don’t do that anymore? Let’s consider stopping and shrugging while we whisper, “That no longer serves me. Think I’ll do something different.” 

I’ve got three simple ways to navigate life for you this morning that will help reframe how you’ve always done things. Frankly, they are so simple I’m wondering why it’s taken me nearly 51 years to embrace them.

Grab a drink. Settle in. Let’s go.

1) Your strength comes from knowing your weaknesses. I’m not too fond of job interviews. “Tell us your greatest strength. Tell us your greatest weakness.” Well, Karen, I’ve learned that sometimes my weaknesses can be my greatest strengths. I can be hyper-focused which makes me a good problem-solver. Office chit-chat bores me, so I finish my work and meet deadlines. When you understand your weaknesses, they can become a source of strength. 

2) Accepting your flaws makes you beautiful. I love the television shows that take a frumpy middle-aged mom (um…yeah) and give her wardrobe an overhaul, essentially turning a frog into a princess. I have flaws. We all do. But I am learning to appreciate mine. For example, since learning I am susceptible to others’ energy, I’ve learned to set better boundaries. Because I set better boundaries, I’ve become a calmer and kinder person. Instead of thinking, “God. Why can’t I be more gregarious and outgoing?”, I’ve accepted that I don’t really like people much. I’ve become more selective about where I spend my time and energy. I’m also carrying a few extra pounds – which some people may consider a flaw – but that makes me a good candidate for a “cheeseburger and a beer” date. I hear most men appreciate that. You, like me, are flawed…and you’re beautiful. 

3) Your mistakes equal wisdom. My friends and I went to hear a local favorite, Isaac Kenneth, sing his sultry lyrics. The topic of dating musicians came up somehow. My friend said, “I wanted to be a musician when I grew up.” I scoffed and replied, “You can’t be both a musician and a grown-up.” Which got a little chuckle…but still. My experience with loving a musician led me to realize that they are a lot like expensive cars: Fun to look at…but really pricey to maintain. Now, not all musicians are bad. I’m sure there are hard-working, kind musicians who aren’t prone to infidelity out in the world…somewhere. But falling madly in love with a musician is a mistake I made once and am not willing to make again. You may have learned that taking a job just because it pays well may not be the right path for you. Or maybe you’ve learned that when your child comes up with a creative story that seems a bit unbelievable…it’s because it’s not truthful. Perhaps you’ve learned that one too many arguments rehashing the same exact thing means nothing is really going to change. So, repeat this: I made the best decision possible with the information I had at the time. Then ask yourself how you can choose something different if faced with that same dilemma again. A mistake is just that… A Miss Take. Take a different route next time. The new path is where wisdom meets the road.

And with that, my friend, I leave you with a song. This upbeat 1994 song by Des’ree encourages you to dig deep and discover your true self. It promotes bravery, serenity, and honesty. I think that if you consider my three tips, you’ll become bolder, tougher, stronger, and cooler. She’s right, though, about one thing: Love will save the day. But that starts with self-love.

Dear Reader, if you liked this post, share it on all those social thingys. Please and thank you.

A Goddess Calls Out

Good morning, dear Reader! I’m still on a high from yesterday’s thunderstorms wondering how today will ever measure up. I do love me some Missouri storms…sans tornadoes, of course. My WTForecast app tells me it is possible that we are in for more rain today. What is that they say? April showers bring May flowers? Right.

Anywhooo…

So I did something recently.

I called out sick to work. Gasp.

Now, mind you, I was actually feeling under the weather. But this action, my friend, was a whole new level of self-awareness. I hardly ever call out, even when I’ve been deathly ill. I was raised by a man who believed that you went to work unless you were dead or dying and calling out for a mild 102* temperature was for wussies. I once had my appendix removed (I guess, technically, you can only do this once) and was back to work in 48 hours. I had a baby and only took four weeks of maternity leave and secretly answered emails while breastfeeding during those four weeks. I just do not call out sick.

Honestly, the struggle is all in my head. My body was fully onboard with the notion of crawling back into bed. What was it that I wrestled with? I was afraid my boss would be angry. Or would think less of me. Or…you know {shakes head}…I’m not sure of all the reasons I had anxiety around calling out, but I did. Then I heard a little voice in the back of my head…

You are not responsible for his feelings.

Hello. Right? It sounds like all that work has finally (Sigh. Final-fucking-ly) paid off. I was, like, you know what? That’s right. I’m only responsible for my feelings, and right now, I feel like shit. I opened Microsoft Teams at 3:11 a.m. and sent him a message. Then I turned off my phone and went back to bed.

So today, we find ourselves together, going over this entire process. We are, after all, still discussing letting go of what no longer serves us, right? So, kids…

Grab a drink. Settle in. So much insight to spew…

When I was in Salem (MA) last month, I picked up a great little book entitled Warrior Goddess Training by Heatherash Amara at Wicked Good Books. Ironically, I was on a waiting list to get this book back here at home, but it had been so long that I had forgotten all about it. Until I saw it while on vacation, and it whispered to me, “I’m here now, Love. Buy me.” Or something like that.

I’ve just finished the first chapter and I’m giving myself two weeks to ponder the reading and questions before moving on to chapter two. It really is what it says it is: Training. So, no need to power through it as though it’s an easy, mindless read like…oh, I don’t know…a Nicholas Sparks novel.

It struck me how much the first few pages spoke to me. And I felt it could be something I could share with you as I make my journey through it.

Since our theme of 2022 is a bit about letting go, shall I pose a question? Cool.

Do you often use your words, actions, or thoughts against yourself?

In other words, do you allow your self-talk and actions to be used in ways that you’d never use against another person? If so, according to Amara, that’s abuse. She posits that self-abuse is a thing, and we are all guilty of it from time to time. If you need some examples, here are some of mine:

1) Saying ‘yes’ when I really mean no.
2) Staying in relationships (not just romantic) that do not nourish me.
3) Thinking and believing thoughts that drain my energy.
4) Eating foods my body doesn’t like.

I do, as in ‘currently’, most of these things. Amara encourages us to stop. Which means what, exactly?

First, I realized that those four things I listed above are rooted in a people pleaser mentality. But, instead of beating myself up about this, I looked for ways that I’ve made small (and even significant) changes to love myself more, even just recently. Amara suggests that we stop the hyper-focusing on our negative traits, and focus on what we are doing right. To put it another way: Love your flaws, as well as your strengths. So I took the time to acknowledge the things I’d like to change, coupled with examples of how I have already taken action.

Here are some of those examples:

1) It’s true that I say ‘yes’ when I often mean ‘no’…but recently I didn’t volunteer to be on the board of the 2022-23 PTA even though my brain said I ‘should’.
2) It’s true that I often stay longer in relationships that do not nourish me but…I like to believe I am starting to realize sooner when I am giving more than I’m receiving. I now understand my worth…and I’m adding tax to these transactions.
3) It’s true that I go to work when I shouldn’t because my limiting beliefs around what is acceptable and not acceptable behavior are a bit rigid, but I was able to put those on the shelf last week when I called out sick, squelching the voice in my head that said I was being silly for tending to my needs as a way to practiced self-care.
4) It’s true that I sometimes eat food that my body doesn’t like but last week, instead of full dairy ice cream I choose a coconut milk-based brand and absolutely loved it. (So did my belly.)

I guess my point today is: It’s easy to focus on our flaws. But, I’ve said it before, friend…You are fucking magical. Acknowledge the weaknesses, but don’t wear them like a badge of honor. Own that magical stuff instead. Stop abusing yourself with words and actions that don’t feed your soul.

As always, a song for you. A close friend turned me on to this oldie by Duran Duran, and it reminds me that we can often be our own worst enemy and we need others fighting in our corner. Sometimes others see us entirely differently than we see ourselves, but we refuse to believe them when they tell us how incredibly awesome we are. So, stop that, okay? You are awesome. You are a rockstar. You are fucking magical. In fact, you just might be the one to save us all.

PS…If you liked this post, feel free to share on all things social. I don’t mind. Admittedly, the dopamine hit is addictive. #PeoplePleaser

The Final Essay

Good morning, Dear Reader! I’m taking a break from Flash Fiction Friday and posting a bit early. My peeps and I are headed off to see Ashley McBryde in concert, and I wanted to ensure I did two things. But before I do that…I want to give you two bonus songs which are my favorite Ashley McBryde songs: One and Two. You’re welcome.

So, back to today’s post. First, I’m fulfilling an assignment. Secondly, I’m informing you of the changes the last few months as has brought to fruition.

So, the assignment. I’ve been working with a Life Coach now for about a year. I completed the lessons, and I was given an assignment at the end of the series. Since I share with you, dear Reader, most of the crap that swirls in my head anyway, I thought, “Might as well share this with the entire world.” So here we are today, summing up the last ten months of my life. The final question?

“What changes do I notice in how I see and experience myself and the world”?

Grab a drink. Settle in. In fact, make it a double.

This biggest take-a-way from this entire process was a lesson that focused on accepting myself and all the decisions I’ve made along the way in this beautiful life. The summation, for me, at the end of this process is this one sentence:

“I made the best decision I could with the information I had at the time.”

This one mantra (that’s what I’m calling it) led to so much self-growth, internal power, abundance, and freedom. When I think back to the amount of self-destructive blame I induced on my person this time last year…I don’t even recognize that woman.

This one mantra alone permitted me to say, “Yes. That didn’t turn out exactly as planned, but look at all the things I learned in the process…” It helped me to stop looking at situations as mistakes and instead think of them as growth opportunities.

This one mantra alone gave me the courage to release myself from Karmic relationships, find love again, say ‘no’ to so many things, and forgive myself for putting up with the same old bullshit day after day from people who – and I quote – “…just have your best interest in mind.”

This one mantra alone restored a relationship with my ex-husband (Note: We are friendly. We are not friends. Big difference.). It gave me enough courage to say no to volunteer positions. It reduced the amount of stress I had when changing jobs. And the most significant thing of all…

It allows me to stand up for myself when others try to bully me or remind me of what didn’t quite work out in the past. I was able to tell someone just this week, “I’m only going to say this one time to you: I made the best decision I could then with the information I had at the time. Do not throw this shit in my face again.”

Anyway.

Today’s post is my final essay – in the form of my Creepy Online Diary. I hope that you release yourself from self-judgment and coulda, shoulda, wouldas. Stop getting in the ring with your own thoughts about the past. You made the best decision you could at the time…with the information you had then. You can’t judge that situation based on the information you have now. You’re not Claire from Outlander. You didn’t have the luxury of knowledge from the future.

So.

Get up. Dust off. Move on.

You can now make a better-informed decision the next time a similar situation arises without beating yourself up over the past. I can tell you this for sure…there’s a shit-ton of stuff I won’t volunteer to do and a hell of a lot of people I won’t spend as much time with, so that’s a win, right?

I wish this for you, too. I wish for your empowerment to take hold. I wish for you to forgive yourself for past mistakes and decisions. I wish you to grow in peace and prosperity based on new information and the ability to circumvent the bullshit. I wish for you…love. For love is the greatest of all.

Song? Of course! I’m headed south to see this ‘local gal,’ and this is one of hers. I feel it fits for today. I had a journalism teacher in high school who told me I was a terrible writer. You know who you are and well…Bitch, where’s your blog? Enjoy!

Don’t Go Big Or Go Home

Good morning, dear Reader. You know that saying, “Spring has sprung?” Well, not here. I’m rebelling. Last week I sent my kid to school in shorts and by 10 a.m. it was snowing. I felt terrible when I picked him up and he was shivering uncontrollably. Alas, my “mom of the year” card is already in jeopardy over so much I can’t even bother with worrying about it anymore.

We enter April still focused on the ‘letting go’ theme I mentioned here, and as I’ve said, I’m really, really letting go of stuff as I pack up to relocate. But, I think I will pause on that thought for a moment and go a bit deeper. Do you want to venture into the back of my mind with me a bit? You sure? It’s kinda cray-cray there sometimes. Okay, then!

Grab a drink. Settle in. Here’s what is swirling in my thoughts today. Can we talk about this…

Go big or go home.”

You’ve heard this phrase, too, I’m sure. Maybe you’ve even said it yourself. Some self-help guru probably wrote a book about it, and it’s sitting next to the book that coined the hashtag Boss Babe. I get the sentiment. Do your best. Work hard. If you can’t/won’t give it 1000% then don’t even bother…blah, blah, blah. But…

Go big or go home is broken.

It’s old. It’s insulting. It implies that ‘home’ is a punishment.

It should be…

Go big AND go home.

Home is family – whatever that looks like in your world. Home is where your children or pets, or children AND pets live. You may live alone and that’s awesome, too. My point? Home is where your heart can find some peace. It’s where your soul can finally settle down after you’ve kicked ass and taken names all day. It’s where the #bossbabe can put on a ratty old t-shirt, go braless, and have a sip of Tullamore Dew without judgment. It’s where the bathwater contains Epsom salt and lavender, and the time you spend in that bath is limited only by your intolerance for lukewarm water.

I lived in chaos for years. I recently chose to stop that pattern and get rid of the external factors causing that (and truthfully, the internal ones, too). Last year, I literally spent thousands to find places to ‘relax’ that were not where I typically receive my mail. I practically begged people for the opportunity to housesit just to get a little privacy. I bought a new car for the sole purpose of car-camping just to get away from the ever-present barrage of questions. I lived here but I didn’t live here. You know?

Home is where our priority should be – to find the quiet spots and recharge. If you are constantly finding ways to ‘get away from home’ then something’s not working. Your home should be a place of refuge, a source of peace from the outside world.

So, let’s work hard AND THEN…go home. Shall we?

Today’s message is short but powerful. As always, here’s your song. It definitely is an oldie. Kenny Chesney still had hair, and everyone was still trying to figure out the real reason he and Renee broke up. But it fits, right? And it’s nice. So, pour that drink. Take off that bra (Dudes, go commando). Settle in and rest.

Until next time, bottom’s up! Cheers.

PS…If you loved this, then feel free to share it on all the socials. Hugs!

Show Me The Money 2

Good evening, Dear Reader. And it is…a good evening, right? You slept in a bed under a roof. You could have had breakfast, or maybe you actually did. You put on clean clothes – maybe. You picked up your phone or logged into some device to read this. In other words, you had choices, and that’s my point. If you have a job that pays (in the U.S.A.) $17+ an hour, you are making a living wage. If you have a running vehicle, a place to live, and food in your belly, you have more than 80% of the 7+Billion people on the planet. Stop being such a sourpuss.

We are continuing our Things To Let Go Of series, kicking off the new year with Bad Money Habits. If you want to go back to the beginning, click here. We started off with hitting on debt reduction and honestly, to recap, reducing debt (in theory) is simple. Reduce expenses, increase revenue. Don’t accumulate any more debt until you comfortably can pay for it. I say it is simple in theory because it really is nothing more than basic math. But, most of us got into debt or can’t save effectively because of our thoughts, feelings, and experiences surrounding money in the first place. I don’t have time to address that today – the entire first part of my blogging back in 2011-2015 was about getting out of the consumer mindset. You can go back to those, or really…watch this documentary and start reading my favorite blogger, Joshua Becker from start to present. I, literally, can not thank this man enough for getting me on my road to rational minimalism.

Managing money is easy. Managing our emotions about money is…well…a bit more complicated.

But. As promised…I’m moving into my ‘how to’ guide for raising your credit score. Grab a drink and settle in. I’m going to tell you how I raised mine from 480 to 720 in a little over 2 years.

  1. Get your reports. You are entitled to one free credit report from all three agencies one time a year. To monitor for identity theft or weird things on my credit, I don’t get all three of mine at once. I order TransUnion in January, Experian in April, and Equifax in November. That way, if something odd happens to appear, I’m not waiting an entire year to find out. I also subscribe to Credit Karma (and I look at that thing once a day, sometimes two because I’m a bit retentive.) Go on…put it on your calendar with a yearly reminder. Then mosey on over to this site and get your free report. Once you have your report, you’ll be able to list all your debt and decide what debt storm to use as I mentioned here to pay it off. You will also look for things that do not belong to you. I found a collection from Go Daddy on mine and I was able to dispute it (you can easily do this yourself, do not pay someone to do it for you) and start working with your creditors to move payment dates or to lower your interest. I recommend checking out this site for more detailed information.
  2. On-time, every time. I mentioned this in my last post, but I can not stress this enough. Late payments are a detriment to your score. A late payment on your mortgage can put a ding there that leaves quite a scar for a bit. If your payments fall in odd places (like three payments due on the 13th, but you don’t get paid until the 15th), then call your creditors and ask them if they will move your payment to another day (like the 16th, in this example). Some of them will. If they won’t, then sell a bunch of crap you no longer need or get a second job and put a month’s worth of living expenses into your account so, essentially, you are ‘ahead’ in the math game.
  3. Join a credit union with a ‘credit builder’ program. If you are local to SW Missouri (417-Land) I recommend this one or this one. Why a credit union (CU)? CUs are nonprofit organizations and many of them have financial literacy (financial wellness) programs to help people restore their credit. If yours does, then get on a first-name basis with the person in charge of that program. Use every resource and every piece of advice they give you. I mean, I like Dave Ramsey – I’ve seen him live and I agree with a lot of his methods – but I don’t idolize him. And I don’t follow 80% of his advice. So, if you drink his kool-aid…then you’re not gonna like the rest of what I’m going to tell you. 
  4. Get a ‘Secured Credit Card’ (SCC). Remember my ’emergency fund’ I mentioned last time? I took my emergency fund and applied for an SCC with it. An SCC is just that…secured. This means you have to give them YOUR money to ‘secure’ that card. I don’t have space to explain it, but you can read about it here. So. I got my SCC with my $1500 and it DOES function as my emergency fund 99.9% of the time. The other part of the time? I use it wisely to play a game. I use it to buy gas and pay for anything I buy online. NOW…I don’t buy things I don’t already have the money for – I just use the SCC because it is more secure for online purchases than using a debit card. Anything I would normally buy anyway (Netflix, gas, Spotify, toilet paper, dishsoap) is set up to be ‘charged’ on my card. Then I…
  5. Play the game. I pay for some of the expenses that hit every week. So, if my Netflix ($12) and Spotify ($10) hit my SCC on Tuesday, and I buy TP and Dawn at Walmart.com, I pay those charges on Friday so a payment is hitting my card every single week (Newsflash: You can pay your credit card bills more than once a month). Now…here’s where the game comes into play. Find out when your actual payment is due (Let’s say it’s due on the 20th), figure out what 30% of your credit limit is (Let’s say it is $300), and find out when the Credit Union is going to report to the credit agencies (Let’s say they report on the 24th). Armed with this information…make the MINIMUM payment due on or right before the due date (In our scenario – the 20th). Make sure you have JUST UNDER the 30% left on the day they report to the credit agency (I’ll usually pay my Verizon bill on the 21st and get gas so that I’m right under BUT NOT OVER that 30% of credit limit threshold). Then, on the first of the month, I pay the balance in full and start the clock for the next month. That seems complicated now that I type it out, so I recommend the video on this page.
  6. Diversify your debt. You’re about to see why I go off the rails when it comes to Dave Ramsey’s advice. I use debt and credit to my advantage and I use it wisely. I do not subscribe to the ‘have no debt’ and we may not agree here. You do you. But, back to my point on diversified debt. You’ll need an installment loan (i.e. Car loan, student loans, etc.), a revolving credit line (I have my SCC, a store card, and a credit card for a home improvement store – which comes in handy when remodeling), and finally, a mortgage loan THAT YOU CAN AFFORD. I know my credit score will most likely not increase much more than where it is now until I add a mortgage to my list of creditors. I am okay with this. A note if you are renting: See if you can talk your rental agency/landlord into using a service that reports to the credit bureaus. (Word of caution: Now you’ll be on the hook to pay rent on time so DO THAT!). Lastly, Experian will do a ‘boost’ a few times a year and bring in things like your cell phone company and some utility agencies. I share a home with a relative. The mortgage loan is in her name, but my name is on all the other expenses (Cable, utilities, etc.). I use the Experian boost (It’s free!) once a year. This is only effective if you pay those bills on time. You don’t want bad stuff hitting your credit reports.

    So yeah. That’s it really. I think I mentioned that I am working on getting my student loan debt down to 50% of what is owed over the next ten years. Why just 50%? Because I’ve worked with my loan company to get on a specific repayment plan that allows for student loan forgiveness after on-time payments over so many years. To be transparent, I wouldn’t be mad if Biden and his administration got their shit together to forgive student loan debt BUT I do understand that I made the decision to go to school and I made the decision to take on debt related to that endeavor. I own all of that responsibility. But, since most of what would be left would be interest anyway so I can sleep at night knowing I paid what I borrowed. In other words…I don’t feel guilty about using the tools at my disposal when it comes to paying down that debt.

    Notice we still haven’t talked about budgets. We’ll do that next time. Want a head start? Okay, then. Stop buying shit you don’t need and start paying for the shit you already bought. That doesn’t seem too hard to understand, but then again, I’m an INTJ so I can be a bit abbrasive. You want someone nicer to hold your hand through all of that? Then go on down to that Credit Union. They’ll even give you a lolipop. Ain’t that sweet?


    That’s all I’ve got today. I don’t even have a really good song that ties into this post at all, so how about I just leave you with this one: Wind & SkyBrandon Moore is a local singer/songwriter in my hometown and just a f*cking good human. You can’t help but smile in his presence. Wind & Sky is one of my absolute favorite songs on the planet. I want it played on loop at my funeral, I like it that much. You’re welcome.

Brave Is The New Beautiful

Good morning, Peeps! Yesterday morning, I took a three-mile walk in Northwest Arkansas with two extraordinary people at Coler trail. Both are in their seventies and dare I say, they kicked my ass. (I. Must. Walk. More.) Temps were close to 80, and I was happy. The outdoors. Good people. Christmas Day. Dogs to pet. A great week behind me. It was truly wonderful.

The two-hour drive home offered some much-needed quiet time, and admittedly, I’ve been thinking about you today, Dear Reader. I’ve been piecing together what I wanted to share and how to share it without making anyone mad. I wanted to write about being brave and vulnerable and owning all of that 100 percent! The new year is upon us, and life is passing each of us by. I don’t know about you, but I’m ready to take some risks. I’m not talking about blind stupidity…but I am talking about letting some walls crumble – or, at minimum, cautiously removing a brick or two. Do you want 2022 to be better or not? I certainly do. Then we need to put ourselves out there.

I get it. It’s scary. I had pretty much decided no one would ever see me vulnerable again. I mean, if you are weak, you get hurt, right? That’s true. But who decided that being vulnerable means being weak? As I said last week, a life without risk is an unlived life. Recently I’ve realized – despite my desire to stay calm and mysterious – that I’m the one who loses out on life’s pleasures when I lock myself away and stay behind those proverbial, metaphoric walls.

“So, what started this line of thinking?”

Well, glad you asked. Grab a drink and settle in. This story begins with a gun.

If you’ve been following me for a while, you might remember that two Christmases ago, I was given a gift certificate for a shooting range. That led to an introductory handgun safety class and some time at the range, where I learned I was a decent shot for never having held a weapon. Fast forward about two years to last weekend.

I was invited to another range. I had a good instructor. He was kind. He was patient. He stood close by. He whispered instruction and encouragement in my ear and never made me feel inferior despite the fact that I wasn’t very sure of myself and sliced my thumb open on the first shot. Because of his patience and kindness, I felt empowered, strong, vulnerable, and safe all at the same time.

Read that again.

I felt both vulnerable and safe at the same time.

It’s possible, folks, to let down your guard and experience this. Not all humans are assholes. I know, right? In the past, feeling both vulnerable and safe for me was akin to mixing oil and water – or more accurately…gasoline and a match. In other words, I think I’ll pass. Never let them see you sweat, right? 

But here’s the deal. It’s not brave if you aren’t scared. And I was scared that day – of many things – and I decided to be brave despite all of it. So, grab that drink, Loves. If it’s permission to be brave you need, I’m passing that shit out like it’s cheap candy at a small-town Christmas parade. 

The new year is upon us, and you can live as you’ve always lived if you want to. But take this in: If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always gotten. Want to be braver? So do I. So here’s how we are going to embrace bravery in 2022 (and, hopefully, beyond…):

1) Stop Listening To Nay-Sayers. There will always be someone around to tell you it can’t be done. There’s always an asshole ready to remind you of your past mistakes. People who never take risks are the first to say you’re being foolish. Respectfully…fuck ’em. I know this is easier said than done. But if you are going to be the captain of your ship, you need to realize that both the Titanic and the Santa Maria captains were brave. The outcomes were completely different between the two, obviously, and well…you have to prepare that this may be the case for you, as well. Do it anyway. 

2) Don’t be afraid to fail. If you aren’t failing, you aren’t trying. Many people in our history learned numerous times how not to do something – they never considered themselves a failure (think Thomas Edison and the lightbulb.) I have started three businesses in my life. One was a huge success, and the other two paid the bills…barely. I never considered myself a failure with the latter two. I simply learned better ways to do it next time I’m brave enough to jump into another business venture. 

3) Always (always) trust your gut. Many don’t know how to do this. Most of us listen to the voices of others and never learn to take direction from our Higher Self. Many ignore the signs, and many live lesser lives because of it. You must be willing to stop listening to those you love sometimes and start getting quiet enough to hear your own inner voice. This isn’t easy. In fact, in a world where people are full of opinions and ‘best intentions,’ this is really one of the most challenging steps.

4) Be willing to lose (or give up) everything to start over. Back in 2004, my (then) husband prayed for change. He felt strongly that something drastic needed to happen to be happy. Within 24 months, he lost his job, home, and later, the marriage ended. But yet, if you met him today, you’d realize he is the happiest he has ever been in his entire life. (And I’m delighted for him). Sometimes you have to lose significantly to really win. Blogger Leo Babauta calls this ‘burning the farm‘. So, strike that match. Go on. I triple-dog-dare ya.

As we close for the day, I invite you to make a list of all the things you’ve wanted to try or do but were either too afraid or too worried about what others would think. I did, and I posted it here. Meditate on all the reasons your fear has been holding you back and imagine what life would be like for you if you took steps to break down the walls and be braver. Then release those fears to the Universe and go live your life. 

As usual, here’s a song for you today. I’m also leaving you with some questions:

Are you willing to be weird? Are you ready to step out onto that range and shoot for what you want? What are you doing to make sure you get the life you were destined to have? Drop a line in the comments to tell me how you have been brave…because if you have done it once, you can do it again!

I can’t thank you enough for sharing this on social media. I am delighted when I have a glass of wine with people I just met and they say “I love your blog”. I am so very grateful to you, Dear Reader, for sharing with your friends. May you be blessed all year with prosperity, abundance, and – yes – great love.

Another Matter of the Heart

There’s a story I don’t share much. I allude to its content from time to time, but I don’t really go into detail. I don’t go into detail for several reasons such as:

1) Its content is not something by which I want to be defined.

2) After all this time, I try to tell a new story.

3) If I don’t discuss it, it won’t hurt as much.

However, I realize after eight years the subject does define me, to a point. It allows me to not only tell a new story, but to change my entire value system. And, while time does heal pain, the void is never really filled so it doesn’t really matter if I talk about it or not.

Tomorrow marks the eighth year I have lived without my only sibling. A young man with a seven-month old son left the world at the age of 27, suddenly without much warning. The one person I was to tease throughout my entire life. The one with whom I was to discuss matters regarding our parents’ health. The one I would leave my child to if something terrible happened to me first. In just one day I went from being someone’s sister to being an only child. It crippled me emotionally for nearly half a decade.

The details of the ‘old’ story and how this happened are not really necessary here. What does matter, however, is how life’s events are meant to teach us valuable life-altering lessons.

Lessons like…

1) Relationships and family are more important than work.

2) Saving for a rainy day is important.

3) When someone is in need, time is of the essence.

You see, I didn’t get on a plane from Connecticut to Missouri fast enough. I didn’t do it because I was really busy with work…I didn’t have a dime in my savings account…I thought it was a simple stomach ache and that was not important enough for me to fly clear across the country. Between the time I got the “You need to come home” call and the time I actually arrived, my brother had slipped into a place from where he would never come back. I never got to say goodbye. And that haunted me for many, many years.

It also changed me. It changed me in so many ways that I wish I could go back to those people who angered me with their “There is a gift in this tragedy” statement. I would say to them “You were right”. Because, folks, why else must we endure such pain if not for growth?

So, how did this change me? How did I grow?

Nobody’s work is more important than family. I live by this in my job now and promote this value to those I supervise and with whom I work. I also remind my superiors from time to time that family is a priority for me. I’ve quit ‘dream jobs’ to be with my family. It isn’t hard to make decisions when you live your values.

Buying useless crap takes valuable resources away from you. When I lived in New England, I lived in a house I really could not afford and bought items for this house I really, really, really could not afford. So, when I got the call my first thought was “Where the hell am I going to get $900 to fly to Missouri?“. Eight years later, I can tell you with all truth and honesty: I think of that moment whenever I am about to buy something major that would deplete my savings account. It has stopped me many times from buying something I do not need.

Don’t ignore your intuition. When a friend is in need, today is the day to pick up the phone. Today is the day to stop what you are doing and write that note. Not tomorrow, not next week, and certainly not ‘not ever’. I knew something was wrong on that Friday. I should have called home that day. Instead, I waited nearly 36 hours for my father to call me…and another 12 hours to arrive at the hospital. I think Facebook is a wonderful place to get information. It is not a wonderful place to show someone how much you care.

What does this have to do with simplicity?

I don’t know. Maybe nothing. Except that this event, along with a few others, led me to my decision to stop working so much, quit buying so much, and take the time to sit on a blanket in the yard watching a storm roll in last night with my son instead of washing dishes.

Every one of my ‘simplicity’ heroes has a similar story. An ‘Ah-Ha’ moment, if you will. What’s your old story and how did it help create a new story? Are you a ‘simplicity-minded’ soul and if so, how did you arrive here? Are you in the midst of your own painful life event that has given you pause? I’d love to hear from you.

Happy weekend!

PS…I’m giving my dear friend and editor time off to deal with her own set of priorities and family issues. If the blog is a complete grammatical mess – I take full responsibility.

Wrapping Up March With Weekend Reads

I finish a few blogs for April and I’m ready to get started on the room of the house that is one colossal cave of clutter. (Okay, maybe I exaggerate…but definitely a room that bugs me.) As we launch the weekend and prepare for some new awesome advice from the Sho-Me State Girl herself…here are some fantastic reads:

All the weekend reads are inspired by my boss who announced that she’s quitting and moving to Hawaii.  (Hang on there…let’s not throw a party just yet. I actually like her). But here’s the kicker…it’s kinda my fault she’s moving. Yep. She read my blog and decided to take the plunge. I could not be more proud. (Of her..and of myself!)

So…get that cup of tea/coffee/glass of wine because these are some cool and brave souls:

Read about the Jordan’s who live in Siloam Springs, AR. I am thrilled I ran across this story because Siloam Springs is just a hop, skip and a jump from me. I want to load up the kiddo and go meet them. Maybe I will – I have all this free time since I don’t have to cook anymore. (That, my friends, is called foreshadowing. You will just have to wait!)

Could you live in a house the size of your garage? Well, Jon and Ryah Dietzen are doing it. And it seems to be working out just fine. This is the coolest garage I’ve ever seen. (I actually lived in a 250 square foot cottage when I separated from husband number one and it was really, really cool. I had everything I needed – including some peace.)

So garage living isn’t your style? Okay. How about a bus? Yep. You read that right. A bus. In fact, my grandparents sold their home when I was a little girl and bought a fifth wheel trailer. They lived in Missouri 1/2 the year and Texas the other half. I don’t really even remember their old house. I just remember cool trips to the lake to visit.

Starting to think that ‘minimalism’ and ‘downsizing’ is just for those of us who bought into the American-Dream Myth and are up to our eyeballs in debt? Not so much. Here are some people you just might be surprised by:

The creator of Tumblr. Yep. The Billionaire extraordinaire: David Karp

Joe Greenstein, co-founder of Fixster is cashing in his billionaires to help the poor. Okay, maybe not all of his billions, but he certainly isn’t spending it on fancy cars and lavish homes.

Aaron Patzer, the founder of Mint.com, who sold his company in 2009 for $170 million. He lives in a 600-square-foot, one-bedroom apartment, and recently replaced his 1996 Ford Contour (with 150,000 miles) with a $29K Subaru Outback.

And the two founders of Facebook, Dustin Moskovitz and that other guy embrace minimalism, too. Moskovitz could afford any home he wanted but lives in condo. He bikes to work and leaves his Volkswagen hatchback in the garage. The other guy’s Facebook profile says his interests include “minimalism” and “eliminating desire.”

So with all that, I have to admit…one thing that perturbs me about the ‘simplicity culture’ is that it is centered around reducing a carbon footprint, canceling out debt, or counting items so one can brag about the fact that one only owns 99 things versus ‘the other minimalist’ who owns 100. I haven’t decided if it is a ‘fad or a movement’. I own over 1000 items. I do not recycle. I do not grow my food. I do not have anything that is ‘solar panelled’. I am not interested in going off grid (Okay…I’m a tiny bit interested in going off grid but that’s because I have a tab bit of rebellion and anti-socialism in me and certainly not for environmental reasons….). I don’t want a house that is 120 square feet and moveable. (My SECOND home in Monterey Bay – maybe.) I love those people. They inspire me. But, alas, I am not one of them.

Who am I? I am a 41 year old woman who wants to spend my time pushing my son on a swing in the park instead of vacuuming my house and neatly storing my hobby supplies. I want to giggle on the sofa with my husband instead of worrying about the three rooms we never use that still need organization. I want to spend time with my family when they visit instead of worrying about the fact that I only have eight plates that match and the matching coffee mugs were gone A LONG TIME AGO. I want simplicity. I want peace. I want freedom and joy. And…I want that for you, too. If that means you realize you need to quit your job and move to Hawaii…then sweet! Just let me know I was responsible for that decision! (wink, wink). Then I will know I did what I set out to do. And that makes my heart sing.

Looking forward to April. Tell me all about those closets and the March challenge. Get ready to clean that kitchen.

Announcing the April Challenge:

Find two small appliances you think you can live without. like your microwave or (GASP!) a coffee maker. Take them to your storage closet. Don’t use them for ONE MONTH. Use only one favorite knife this month. And lastly…vow to not cook for at least ONE NIGHT each week. Outsource it or eat something simple and easy. Can’t wait to hear!

Wrapping up the March Challenge:

I actually found several items with which I could still part and not feel bad. I’m headed to the consignment store…and then to the thrift store. So thrilled! What about you? How did it go?

Simplicity Is An Inside Job

Hmmm. Simplicity. What does that even mean? One of the most interesting epiphanies I’ve had over the last two years was the realization that each time I chose to add an activity to my calendar or an item to my closet, I was mostly seeking fulfillment. Looking back it seems like ‘crazy talk’ when I say that out loud, but you see, I always felt there was something missing from my life. What never occurred to me was that somethingwas me. I was missing from my life. The more activities I added, the more responsibilities I accepted, the more possessions I bought only created more of a void. Those things separated me from the stillness I needed to really get to know myself . Finally I started to realize what really mattered to me was spending time with my friends and family, reading a book, writing or putting another spin on my already-fantastic banana bread recipe. Listening to a really great songwriter and getting a super-restful night of sleep were also things I realized I needed in my life to be happy.

Those things, the ones that give me the greatest joy, are the simplest. They don’t require a season pass or a new outfit. They don’t ask me to spend hundreds of dollars or even to clean my house. This may seem simple to some, maybe even a bit boring, but to me they are the lifeline to keeping my sanity.

Simplicity means making room for the things that really matter amongst the noise of life. Some of us are so busy and so caught up with impressing other people that we don’t even know what that means. Linda Breen Pierce’s book, Choosing Simplicity, reminds us that many of the challenges we create – and even some of the health issues we have – are consequences of our belief that we have to have everything. Finding value in what you NEED versus having everything you WANT gives you freedom to say “I choose to relax.” I spent a lot of my life seeking the impressive career, amassing material possessions, and purchasing letters to plug in after my name by way of huge student loan debt. In the end, I realized what I really love to do wasn’t enhanced by any of those things. In fact, it took me 28 years to realize what my 8th grade language arts teacher, Mrs. Childers, learned about me the first week of school. I love to read and I love to write. Neither of those require an MBA nor do they require a 4,000 square foot house.

At some point, hopefully, everyone who feels lost can come to the realization they are missing out on the things they truly value and enjoy in order to live a life someone, at some point, told them they should live. There are a lot of reasons why we believe that line of nonsense,and it takes some longer than others to realize it is just that: nonsense. But, of course, the turning point for many is one simple question: Why are you living your life?

You don’t have to live in the country to enjoy a simpler life. You can own more than 100 things. You can paint your walls any color you desire. You can buy your vegetables at the grocery store. The change to living a more free and balanced – more simple – life comes from within you – not outside of you. Living outside of yourself is what got you into this mess in the first place. Pick a handful of things you really value – and that should be enough to start you on your journey.

If you’ve read through past posts, you know my story. I won’t bore you with it again for awhile. But in the coming months you will hear from some of my favorite people who left an old life behind to pursue the life they truly value. Ken, who left a high stress broadcasting position to open a thrift store; Kathryn, an author who left her full-time job to finally finish her novel; and Liz, a world traveler who bought an $8 wedding dress at the Salvation Army Thrift Store and buys the majority of her possessions from Craigslist so she and her husband can have the resources needed travel to far away lands. My plan for this year’s blog schedule has lead me to some very interesting people and I hope you will be as inspired by them a I am.

Weekly Challenge:

Is there something on your calendar that you just dread? Can you get rid of it? For me I host a monthly database management group (I know, right. Sounds so exciting…!) but lately it hasn’t done anything to light my fire. So, this week I have decided to send out the notice that the meeting is cancelled. Forever. What can you get rid of this week?

And, March is almost upon us. Let’s prepare mentally for the challenge:

March challenge:

We are invoking my infamous ‘white hanger theory’ this month at our home. We wear 20% of our clothing 80% of the time. This means that, literally, 80% of the clothes in our closets are unnecessary. The white hanger theory works like this: Each time you wear something this month from your closet, rehang it on a white hanger. Do this for three months. In 90 days, you’ll see most of your clothes are not on white hangers. Decide with what you can part. Don’t have white hangers? Then try this instead.